Ellen Bailey Poems
Humorous and Funny Poems

The Birthday Gift

by Stuart Cullen

I was given a plant for my birthday
To grow and care and defend
With star shaped leaves and skinny stems
And dark purple buds on the end

The friend who gave me the plant
Told me it had magical powers
He said the last time he had it
He was buzzing four days and three hours

As botany is not really my passion
I couldn't quite grasp what he meant
When he mentioned something called stoning
And described how the plant got him bent

Never the less I promised him I'd try
To encourage the plant to grow tall
The magical stuff I'd figure out later
And if I couldn't I'd give him a call

It started out just two feet tall
And lived in a little blue pot
But after eight weeks of sunlight and water
It had grown up and out quite a lot

As it grew bigger and stronger
It started to reek to high heaven
I decided to move it outside
And by then it was seven feet seven

The plant's pungent smell filled my garden
And I could not help myself from thinking
That this plant's days were numbered
Because by this time it really was stinking

I didn't feel good about going back on my word
And the promise to my friend I would break
But so far I had seen no such magic
And the odor I could no longer take

By the time it was 60 feet tall
To be rid of the plant I was yearning
So I made a plan to cut it all down
And dispose of the damn thing by burning

So early last Saturday morning
I took to the plant with an axe
I bundled the branches together
And grouped them in six equal stacks

I lit each of the stacks on fire
And stayed by to make sure they burned
But soon I was enveloped by acrid smoke
And the plant's magic I quickly leaned

Within minutes I was under its spell
And gliding all over the place
And that your honor is why I spent last weekend
Fighting giant green Martians in space!

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